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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Urinal Rules Draft #1 - Comments Welcome

Okay, so I've talked about this among people I know for awhile. I've
expressed my dismay and my anger at people who "go middle." So, I feel
it's time that I wrote it out formally…

The Rules of Urinals

First, let's start out with a diagram. These rules are going to focus
primarily on the three urinal system, but can easily be applied to
larger groups of stalls, just extending the same rules.

|Urinal A | Urinal B | Urinal C |

Rule #1: If there are no users of the facilities at the time you
enter, you do not have free reign to piss where you wish. Do not go
middle. Urinal B is off limits. No one wants to walk into a bathroom
and see that they have to pee next to some dude. Going middle with no
occupants is just selfish.

Rule #2: If there is someone occupying urinal A or urinal C, DO NOT
GO MIDDLE. As a general rule, you should just never use urinal B.
Consider it off-limits…. Think of it sorta like an angry badger
waiting to bite your dick off. That'll keep you away from it.

Rule #2(b):If two of the three urinals are occupied, then you're hit
with a problem. You have the following acceptable choices.
(i) Go middle. It's fine, I guess.
(ii) Wait it out. Just stand there. You're a man of conviction. I
don't like rubbing shoulders with the hombre with his hand on his
(iii) Blow your nose, check yourself out in the mirror, then move in
after someone's finished.

Rule #3: Don't talk to someone when they're pissing. I know you guys
are friends. I know ya'll'er buddies, but there's no need to talk to
someone when they've got their hand on their hog. You'll both be
finished soon, and you can catch up on what you saw on Sportscenter

Rule #3(b): By all means do not touch someone while they are using
the urinal. No shoulder pats, nothing… That kinda shit'll get you
killed in Thailand.

Rule #3(c): And, sort of as a caveat to 3(b), if you give someone one
of those macho little league coach pats on this ass while they're
using, you should get stabbed in the ear with a pencil.

Rule #4: We know it feels great, but there's no need for "ahhh's and
oooohs…" You're not jerking off.

Rule #5: Wash your hands. You've been fiddling with your wee danny Dublin.

Rule #6: Don't lean on the wall like it's painful for you to do your
deed, like you need some support, like pissing is so exhausting that
evolution's cruel trick of bipedalism must be subverted.

Rule #7: Eyes Forward.

Rule #8: No pissing in the shitter and no shitting in the pisser,
unless there is no pisser is available, then, still, no shitting in
the pisser.

Rule #9(a): And let's get serious here… I've been watching you guys, and, I'm
nice, so I'm not going to say anything, but you're on notice.

Rule #9(b): if you must piss in the shitter, piss in the shitter not
on the shitter. You're not 4 years old anymore.

Rule #9(c): In case of using the shitter, if this is a unisex
restroom, raise and lower the seat.

Rule #9(d): In case of a all dude's bathroom, the seat neither has to
be raised or lowered, but if you don't raise it, you better not piss
on it. That's a first grade faux pas.

Justin Cook at 12:03 PM


Tuesday, February 28, 2006


For years it has been my plan to adopt 12 or so young impoverished Asians and be their Joe Jackson, sans the whole being an asshole and all... I've wanted to create an Asian supergroup... and, god dang it, if someone hadn't already stolen my bread and butter.

My world keeps crumbling around me.



Justin Cook at 7:17 AM


Tuesday, February 21, 2006


it is for me the eventual truth
of that look of the lioness to her man across the Nile
it is that look of the lioness to her man across the Nile
wanna feel my heart break if it must break in your jaws
want you to lick my blood off your paws
you can't get her fast enough(x6)
I will swim to you(x4)
whether you save you me
whether you savage me
want my last look to be the moon in your eyes
want my heart to break if it must break in your jaws
want you to lick my blood off your paws
it is for me the eventual truth
it is that look of the lioness to her man across the Nile
and you can't get here fast enough
I will swim to you

Justin Cook at 7:49 PM



I'd like to go see Ted Leo in Little Rock.

Justin Cook at 8:11 AM


Monday, February 20, 2006


anynone want to go see neko case or built to spill in memphis?

Justin Cook at 7:55 AM


Dang, I missed that.

I've been listening to The Long Winters since I lived in Charleston, but, somehow I missed their latest EP, Ultimatum which was released last fall.

And, uh, well... I'm sorry, cause it's fantastic.

One can only hope their next release has this much thought and time put into it.

Here you can snag a copy of it oer download an mp3 of the title track.

Justin Cook at 6:39 AM


Thursday, February 16, 2006


You are a

Social Liberal
(73% permissive)

and an...

Economic Liberal
(21% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Strong Democrat

Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Justin Cook at 4:26 PM


Monday, February 13, 2006

for the sake of the whole um...love thing...

someone buy me a drum set.

Justin Cook at 2:45 PM


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

How Many Cans?

Is you am a dog?
Is you got a dog?
Is you am a dog?
Hold closed the jaw.

How many cans must I stack up
To wash you out of my mind,
Out of my consciousness?
How many times must I cash out
To bring you back the check, fat
Off of my slenderness?

She says "Yeah,
But he's not in right now".
You pause.
You like her answer.

You know that but you go on.
You know but that you go on.

How many cans must I stack up
To wash you out of my mind,
Out of my consciousness?
How many times must I cash out
To bring you back the check, fat
Off of my slenderness,




Justin Cook at 7:54 AM


Saturday, February 04, 2006

you get the ankles and i'll get the wrist

"Down to This"

The last really great song on Soul Coughing’s first album was this brilliant piece of lyrical misdirection and rhythmic subterfuge, without doubt the first song to ever juxtapose samples of Howlin’ Wolf and the Andrews Sisters, and undoubtedly also the first to rhyme “screwy” with “ratatouille.” But what really strikes you is its opening couplet, which is repeated over and over throughout the song: “You get the ankles/And I’ll get the wrists.” Is it about murder? Is it about romantic escape? (“Break down in a diner/Then I pay the bill... Lie low in the mittens in the lost and found.”) This being M. Doughty, one suspects that the phrases were simply picked for their rhythmic properties. But on the other hand, this being M. Doughty, we’d better not rule out the possibility that it’s about using murder to get out of an awkward relationship. There’s no question what bassist Sebastian Steinberg and drummer Yuval Gabay are all about, of course: it’s the deep down funky groove, a groove so utterly and fully in the pocket that to listen too closely to Steinberg’s bassline in public is to risk embarrassing yourself with large and involuntary hip movements. This is one of the two or three best songs on what was one of the two or three best albums of 1994.

Justin Cook at 10:29 AM


Monday, December 12, 2005



Justin Cook at 7:50 PM


Wednesday, November 30, 2005


If the hockey playoffs started today, every single Canadian team would be in.

that's hot.

Justin Cook at 6:49 AM


Monday, November 21, 2005


I know it's been a long time since I've updated, and I'm really pretty busy now, but I'd just like to express my joy in the fact that the Red Sox pulled a monster of a trade for Josh Beckett (and to a lesser degree Mike Lowell).

Who needs a GM?


Justin Cook at 6:44 PM


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

On hockey

Okay, so baseball is almost over, and college football and NFL are in full swing, but, really, we need to give a litltle bit of dap to the NHL, which has had a long absence. I've had the pleasure of watching a little bit, and have enjoyed it. Even if you don't like hockey, you've gotta admit that the Sportscenter highlights are stellar.

The Maple Leafs are playing well.

Sundin's not going to need surgery. Hurrah.

Justin Cook at 9:24 AM


Monday, October 03, 2005

19th century style?

Justin Cook at 9:51 AM